For those of you who want to know a little about me, I figured I would write down some basics for all of you out there to imagine about me while you think of your dream girl as you lie in bed, waiting to fall asleep.
I love dogs. A lot. More than people. I would kill a man just to pet a dog.
I love coffee. I once threatened an ex who wanted to go camping with me. I told him that I would castrate him if he spoke to me before I had coffee. I was not joking. He thought I was.
I am not here to make money. I am here to vent all my bullshit in a way that won’t ruin my personal relationships.
I am a great cook.
I make the best jokes. Will I ever tell them? Probably not. But they’re pretty damn good.
I am utterly bitter and horrible. Like a cup of black coffee, but while you may think it’s still warm enough to drink its actually room temperature and leaves a bad taste in your mouth because you were expecting hot and delicious not cold and disappointing.
In summary, I am cold, bitter, and disappointing. However, some people like this.