I can feel it now. The air is changing. Girls are exchanging their running shorts for leggings, their hydroflasks for starbucks cups.
Frat guys are….well, they won’t change until the first snow storm hits campus then they’ll exchange their stupid shorts for stupid sweats.
Pumpkin spice is back.
It’s truly the start of the fall semester.
And we’re kicking off our seasonal school depression early this year.
How do I know that we’re kicking the depression off early? How can I possibly know?
I’m horribly moody, I’m not eating, I’m not excersing, I’m sleeping all the time, I’m angry, I’m unmotivated in every way to do even things I want to do (like, I don’t even want to binge anything on Netflix, even with all the scary movies set to pop up).
I know that if I don’t pull myself out of this, I’m going to fail this semester. And I know because I’ve done this before.
My first college semester, I ended falling into a similar depression because I felt I couldn’t add up. I didn’t have all the stuff everyone else had for school supplies and dorm room decor and snacks and cars. And because I knew that I couldn’t afford my one semester, that no matter what I did, I would be leaving at the end of that semester.
So why am I back in that state of mind now? Well, I’m going through something worse than my freshman year. I have no friends, no hobbies, work all the damn time, and still, I can’t make enough to stay in school to finish a degree I should been done with by now.
And I’m so sick and tired of people telling me ‘this is where you’re meant to be.’ Because no. It’s not where I’m meant to be.
I’m supposed to be in grad school, learning veterinary medicine, volunteering at the local shelter and working at a local coffee shop as the spunky, sweet barista that everyone loves.
I don’t want some advice like ‘you can change your reality at any time’ or ‘why not do what you want to do’ or ‘take chances and it’ll all work out’.
Because it won’t.
I’m not in a position where I can just quit my job today and find one tomorrow paying the same or better with the same or better hours.
I can’t just make money appear out of nowhere, or even apply for student loans because I don’t have a cosigner.
I can’t just speedrun through the last 8 semesters of my undergrad, nor can I just take a test to pass them and get credit, because none of my remaining courses are ones that you can learn with on the job experience.
I can’t just move to a whole new city or whatever and start over because I have obligations, like work and school and my family, keeping me where I am.
This isn’t something where I can just sit in the sunshine and hope that the world will get better magically or that my brain will kick itself into gear.
This isn’t something where I can ‘just drink water and hydrate’ the problem away.
This isn’t something where I can self-care and skin-care routine the problem away.
This is a problem that I will be trapped in until my life is over because if I want to get anywhere, I have to play this absolutely stupid game of jumping through hoops.