Category Archives: Personality

LIFE AS A COLLEGE STUDENT…

I can feel it now. The air is changing. Girls are exchanging their running shorts for leggings, their hydroflasks for starbucks cups.

Frat guys are….well, they won’t change until the first snow storm hits campus then they’ll exchange their stupid shorts for stupid sweats.

Pumpkin spice is back.

It’s truly the start of the fall semester.

And we’re kicking off our seasonal school depression early this year.

How do I know that we’re kicking the depression off early? How can I possibly know?

I’m horribly moody, I’m not eating, I’m not excersing, I’m sleeping all the time, I’m angry, I’m unmotivated in every way to do even things I want to do (like, I don’t even want to binge anything on Netflix, even with all the scary movies set to pop up).

I know that if I don’t pull myself out of this, I’m going to fail this semester. And I know because I’ve done this before.

My first college semester, I ended falling into a similar depression because I felt I couldn’t add up. I didn’t have all the stuff everyone else had for school supplies and dorm room decor and snacks and cars. And because I knew that I couldn’t afford my one semester, that no matter what I did, I would be leaving at the end of that semester.

So why am I back in that state of mind now? Well, I’m going through something worse than my freshman year. I have no friends, no hobbies, work all the damn time, and still, I can’t make enough to stay in school to finish a degree I should been done with by now.

And I’m so sick and tired of people telling me ‘this is where you’re meant to be.’ Because no. It’s not where I’m meant to be.

I’m supposed to be in grad school, learning veterinary medicine, volunteering at the local shelter and working at a local coffee shop as the spunky, sweet barista that everyone loves.

I don’t want some advice like ‘you can change your reality at any time’ or ‘why not do what you want to do’ or ‘take chances and it’ll all work out’.

Because it won’t.

I’m not in a position where I can just quit my job today and find one tomorrow paying the same or better with the same or better hours.

I can’t just make money appear out of nowhere, or even apply for student loans because I don’t have a cosigner.

I can’t just speedrun through the last 8 semesters of my undergrad, nor can I just take a test to pass them and get credit, because none of my remaining courses are ones that you can learn with on the job experience.

I can’t just move to a whole new city or whatever and start over because I have obligations, like work and school and my family, keeping me where I am.

This isn’t something where I can just sit in the sunshine and hope that the world will get better magically or that my brain will kick itself into gear.

This isn’t something where I can ‘just drink water and hydrate’ the problem away.

This isn’t something where I can self-care and skin-care routine the problem away.

This is a problem that I will be trapped in until my life is over because if I want to get anywhere, I have to play this absolutely stupid game of jumping through hoops.

CATHARTIC rant about life

What, pray tell, I am supposed to be doing with life?

I feel life a failure.

I am a failure.

I should’ve been done with this by now.

I shouldn’t be putting this off.

I shouldn’t be worrying about this.

Why am I so worried about this?

I’m not going to have enough money for lunch let alone a damn parking pass.

I’m not going to have enough money for my car, let alone the rest of teh semester.

Gods, I wish I could curl up under a tree and sleep for a millennia.

I wish I could fake my death and escape into the woods to become a local cryptid.

This isn’t worth it anymore.

This was never worth.

I’m going to see this through and it will all be for nothing.

What if I’m just wasting my youth?

Gods, I’m just wasting my youth.

Why is this all so hard?

This part isn’t hard; what am I forgetting to do now?

I wish I could take a nap in this wonderful autumn sunshine and enjoy the green before the snow, but no. I have to work.

I wish I could find a better job where I’m not treated like a damn babysitter for grown adults.

I want to stop. Just Stop.

I want to be there already.

What if I’m not on the right path to begin with?

What if I’m wasting my time trying to force something when really I’m meant to do something else with my life?

What if my only purpose is to waste my youth and remaining hope working a deadend retail job?

What if I finally get stabbed in the parking lot at work tonight?

What if my tire blows out while I’m doing 80 on the highway trying to make it to work?

What if I get fired and have no other job?

What if everything I’ve worked so hard for collapses under me?

I need real food.

I haven’t had anything but coffee today.

No wait, I had a burrito for breakfast.

I need more sleep.

I wish my back and hips and knees didn’t hurt.

I wish I could travel.

I wish I wasn’t so apathetic.

I wish I wasn’t so…. depressed?

I wish I had a prettier face.

I wish I could be there already.

I wish I was a doctor already.

I wish I had enough money to last me to next payday.

Oh gods, how am I going to make it to next payday.

Shit, I still have to find a concert to go to for music appreciation.

Shit, I still have to go to the math building for that exam due last week.

How come this looks so easy and effortless for everyone else.

What am I doing wrong.

Thank you for coming to my anxiety fueled braindump. I just needed to get some of this out somewhere, so thank you for being patient and bearing with me,

Why Blogging doesn’t work

If you’re like me, you’ve hit a block or two and started scouring the internet, looking for ways to make ends meet and help set yourself up for a comfortable life.

You’ve come across the same advice I did; start a blog. It’s not hard. Just find a topic and write away.

So why am I bitching about something I am currently doing? Like doing right now, between classes and a real job?

Because I didn’t start a blog to make money. I started a blog to get my thoughts down somewhere outside my head. I started a blog to connect with others and just shout my opinions into the void of the internet.

But why doesn’t blogging work?

  1. It takes too long to make money. Seriously, with how everyone who is a major blog brags about how easy it is to set up a blog and make money, it’s a sham. You have to have the blog going for literal YEARS before you start seeing income come in from either ad space, or affiliate marketing or sponsored posts. Major bloggers will give some much advice and just tell you to get out there and connect with people, but honestly, the market is so damn saturated right now, that to start making money, you’re going to need a crazy scheme or an infallible theme.
  2. You have to dump too much money in to start a blog. Depending on where you partner, you have to dump money in at some point, whether to buy to domain, or buy hosting, or buy the theme, or buy a service of some kind to promote yourself. So not only do you not see any returns immediately, you have to invest so much just to start throwing your writing out into the void.
  3. The market is saturated. No matter what niche you have, what your theme is, how you write; there’s at least 10 other blogs out there doing the same shit. And that’s at least. If you want to write something like a mommy blog, a fitness blog, a fashion blog… Good luck coming up with something original that your audience hasn’t read 20 times already.
  4. There’s so much you have to do to even be seen as credible in your field. You could have graduated with a master’s from Harvard in financial planning (or whatever) and could be a visionary in your field, but your blog is still going to be competing against Al’s Bargain Finances, who graduated from some online college with an associate’s, but has been running his blog for over 10 years. You could be recognized in real life as an expert in your field, but damn, if your blog just looks wrong or unprofessional or old-fashioned (re: 1990s style with minimal pictures, sloppy color scheme, poor formatting), then you are never going to be taken seriously online.
  5. It’s an almost full-time job in itself. As much as everyone brags about how easy it is to start a blog, at least the major bloggers won’t sugar coat the time you need to invest. Blogging is almost like it’s own full-time job. Between the actual writing, designing graphics, social media cultivation (sharing, connecting, collaborating), setting up affiliate marketing, setting up Etsy store listing links, performing services advertised on the blog, brainstorming, editing, site editing and modifying, writing sponsored posts, researching topics, researching the market, researching sponsors, researching on behalf of your audience, weeding through the comment sections on posts (spam comments!)…. It’s a full-time plus overtime gig. And you DON’T GET PAID RIGHT AWAY FOR IT!
  6. You have to learn everything on the fly. You weren’t taught how to code in high school right? I sure as shit wasn’t. So I’ve learning this and that on the fly to set up ads and pop-up forms properly on my site. There’s so much that goes into learning how to set up a blog that you’ll spend so much time on Youtube and Google learning how to just set up your site properly. And while these resources may be free (or nearly free, since you’re probably paying for internet service and your blog already), it still takes a long time to learn and apply. My site doesn’t look like it was designed by a marketing rep, but it still looks better than some of the sites out there. But I did it all myself from a free theme available. I’m still picking up all the bs for SEO and search engine recognition and blah blah blah.
  7. You’re building a brand on the fly and it’s hurting you right now. All the major bloggers out there started their blogs 3, 5, or even 10 years ago. They’ve had the time to set their blog up and rotate through the topics until they found their niche. If you’re like me, you’re new. Super new. I’m still trying to set up my brand. I’m still trying to find my niche, but that’s what hurting me (and you). I’m constantly changing my theme from month to month, I’m kind of happy with my icon for the time being. But all this change scares people off. It doesn’t spark trust that you know what you’re talking about. That’s why the big blogs don’t change their theme once they find one that works. It’s like if you walk into a store; you’ll be okay walking into your local corner store and will forgive a face-lift or paint change every so often, but if you were to walk into your local Target and saw they were changing the colors every week and changing the logo every week, then you would feel uncomfortable. But as a new blogger, you need to change every month or so to try to find where you fit in the internet void.
  8. Your niche is too niche. Maybe you know your niche and you know it’s an untapped industry. Great. But think really hard about it. Is it something that is maybe just a little too niche? What do I mean by that? Well, maybe you have a market and you’ve made a few sales here and there on your site or your online store, but is it something that is just a little too specialized and is flying under the radar. Maybe you make hats for dogs without ears. But the people who can buy those products are very small. Maybe you write specifically about the happenings of the homeless community in a particular spot in your city . While you may have great content and can write forever about it, it’s a market that is very, very, small. Eventually, you’re going to run out of people who want to keep reading or buying into your niche.

Maybe you don’t think I know what I’m talking about. Maybe you’re in denial that your blog is failing. So let me explain how I know what I know. As of this post (Sept. 2019), I have made absolutely $0 on this site. I have no ad revenue, no services rendered, no affiliate link click-through. I have posted about 100 posts since starting the blog in Jan. 2019. It’s taken almost 10 months since starting the blog to find a niche I can write about, and it’s still a little too niche (I mean, who wants to listen to some girl whine about working in retail and rant about the occult?) I just made an icon and logo-esque picture and I’ll probably going to change it soon. And I put of a follower counter, so you can go to the side bar and see exactly how many people I have following me. As of this post in Sept. 2019, there are 28 followers (29 technically, but it’s me, so I don’t count myself). 28. After 10 months.

So maybe you’re much better than me and can tell me what I’m doing wrong. but honestly, I just want everyone to understand that blogging is not the answer to your financial issues. Blogging is not some golden egg you can tap into and be wildly successful. Blogging is kind of a sham way to ‘make money quick’.

It’s more like ‘make money very, very slowly, while hoping and praying someone will find you relevant and love what you’re doing, all while dumping your money into a pit that may or may not sprout a money tree in the distant future’.

Cool Collectibles…

I thought today I would share the coolest collectible that no one thought of. Except my dad.

Shot glasses.

You know, all those kitschy tourist stop ones that you see when you go on vacation. The kind you pick up for Joe back home because you forgot to get him a real souvenir from your trip to Idaho. My dad actually collects them.

He picks them up when we go on family vacations and now, all us adult kids pick him up one or two when we go someplace neat on our own vacations.

I can see the awe blooming in your mind as you realize the countless possibilities you’ve been blind to all these years. Those kitschy mugs in tourist traps (which I personally collect because you can never have too many mugs), those key chains, or maybe you’re going to go outside the box. Maybe you’ll collect water from local water ways in jars to bring back home to display.

It’s just a really cool conversation piece really and I want more people to know about how neat it is. Like you come into the living room and there’s these shelves just full of shot glasses. Your eye is drawn to them. You start talking about them. He talks about where the cooler ones came from, you talk about the places you’ve been. Boom. New friendship right there.

I know what you’re thinking now. ‘I used to hate when I got those stupid shot glasses. It was like they forgot about me!’ Turn it into a collect now. Set them up on a shelf and make them wall art. Turn the bad into something cool.

How To: Get your brain moving…

We all know what it feels like when you’ve lazed about on the couch for few days and your body feels like shit so you start doing stuff like exercise again. But what about when your brain starts feeling mushy and gross and uncoordinated? What about after you feel brain-dead after finals and have to get back into the right mental space for the next semester? What about after you finish a big project and your brain just wants to sleep?

However amazing these tricks may be, I’m not talking about clinical depression which can present some of the same symptoms of being ‘brain-dead’, so please take with a grain of salt if you do have depression.

Here are some tips that help me get my brain going again after a rough night or long break from school.

Step 1: Make some tea or coffee. Make whichever you don’t usually have, to switch it up. Once you have your cup of hot liquids, take a deep breath and just sit with your cup for a few minutes, 2-5 tops. Let your brain just relax for minute, don’t think about what comes next or what you have to get done. This is your break time, so take a real break.

Step 2a: If you’re still at work, make a list of every task you have to get done for the day. Include anything that takes over 5 minutes. Now, the list is not something you have to complete by the end of the day; it is something to get you focused for the rest of the day while your brain feels mushy.

Step 2b: When you get a period of extended free time, like after work or before bed, take a long bath (or shower if you don’t have a bathtub). Take the extra time for a face mask or exfoliating or whatever (no shame in face-masks if you’re a guy; every needs to take care of their skin properly). This is the time you use to be ‘brain-dead’. Most tasks in the bathroom should be pretty mindless by now, like brushing your teeth or hair. So let your mind have a little rest now that you don’t have any real pressing matters (we’re going to ignore our priorities for a bit right now).

Step 3: Now your brain has had a little break, get those juices flowing again. Jot in a journal or fantasize about an exotic trip you want to take some day. Get creative. Let your mind wander to all sorts of crazy things. You’ve probably quit imagining since you were high school. So let your mental legs stretch and think about something amazing or wild. Write or draw or color in a coloring book. Even if it’s super shitty.

Step 4: If your brain still feels a bit mushy and not quite refreshed, then make a list of everything you want to learn; a new language, or a new craft, or maybe you want to learn how something works, or maybe a new trade like electrical work or carpentry. Once you have your list, start working through it. Give all these things a chance and get excited about learning again.

Your brain is starving for something new and interesting and it wants to learn. You know that whole ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ thing is total shit, right? Get into something new and learn more. Even if it doesn’t pan out, or it doesn’t click. Have you always wanted to try baking wedding cakes? Take a class. Even if it doesn’t work out, your brain will feel better because you tried something new and you tried to learn something new.

My Spend Less Challenge…

You see these damn things all over the internet. Those 2-week or 30 day challenges to help cut back on spending. And I’ll admit, some do work. I’ve tried them. But some also don’t take into account what it’s like living paycheck to paycheck and barely making enough to make ends meet.

So here’s my Spend Less Challenge for people like me, who try really hard to keep track of your money but somewhere between a little pick-me-up cookie at lunch and extra gas after running your mom to the airport, you seem to be short right before every payday.

This is a 30 day challenge to get the ball rolling, but really you can keep it going however long you see fit. Start at the first of the month or right before payday for the best effects.

Prep steps:

  1. Get an empty coffee can (i got tons, of course) or an old piggy bank or a jar or a cup. Any kind of receptacle that can hold all the junk you’re going to now take out of your wallet. You heard me. Into this receptacle, put all the loose change and credit cards that you have in your wallet. You can keep any bills and you debit card (or one if you have multiple).
  2. Take stock of what you have in your kitchen pantry and fridge. Then make a list of staple items you need (rice, cooking stock, milk, etc.). Now make a meal plan for the next two weeks. Put the ingredients onto the list. Now shop and DO NOT STRAY FROM THE LIST PERIOD.
  3. Pay all applicable bills now while you have money. The credit card bills, the utilities, rent, car payment. Anything that will allow you to pay early, pay while you have money.

Now comes the fun parts. You are prepped and ready. Here are the rules you have to follow throughout the month.

Rules:

  1. Credit cards are to remain in the jar unless it is a life-threatening emergency.
  2. You can only eat out lunch once a week. You can only eat out dinner once a week. Pick wisely. (this means you have to pack your lunches)
  3. Take out $20 a week from your bank as your allowance. This is the only money you can spend on fun things (a smoothie to treat yourself, a neat little figurine for your desk, etc.) FOR THE WEEK. When it is gone, it is gone. Whatever happens to be left over at the end of the week, put into the jar of change.
  4. The cash in the jar can only be used in life-threatening emergencies, unless the end of the month has come. At the end of the month, you must take the jar to the bank and split it 60/40: 60% into savings, 40% into checking.
  5. The debit card can be used but not for anything fun. E.i. if you know that you filled up your car on payday but will need to fill up again before the next payday, then the debit card can be used. The debit card cannot be used to buy that neat video game you’ve been waiting to come out for 6 months, that happens to come out between paydays.
  6. Grocery shop as close to payday as possible. Make a list, meal plan for the next pay period, do not abandon the list. While making dinner each night, use some of the downtime (like waiting for water to boil) to start packing your lunch for the next day. Throw in everything that doesn’t have to be refrigerated if your fridge is packed or fully pack it so it’s ready to grab and go in the morning.

At the end of the month, compare how your bank account looks now instead of previous months. It may not look like much at the moment, but if you continue to do this, then you’ll start to see where all your money went in little onesie-twosie purchases.

When I see that I have more money than usual I try to make extra payments to my student loans or credit cards to keep that snowball running. Maybe you want to put that extra money into savings. Maybe you want to use that extra money to take your mom out to dinner because you’ve been a shitty kid lately.

This is the hard shit that people don’t talk about anymore. We accept it with careless shrugs and ‘what can you do’ smile. But that’s how They keep you in line and under thumb (you know Them, the government, the insurance agencies, the credit card companies, the banks, the corporations,the people controlling your money and how you spend it). So if you’re even half as much of a bitter hag as me, then let’s make all their lives harder by spending less and living less so they can’t tell us how to live.

A life half-lived is still better than a life wasted under someone else’s control. Control your money and you control your world.

My new thing: something spooky…

Since nobody asked, I’m going to tell you anyway. I did give you all enough time to vote and guess though 😉 My new thing…

So my new thing, hobby or what have you, is witchcraft and tarot.

I’m planning on posting some cool witchy stuff over the next couple of weeks, including run-downs of tarot cards, some basic witchy item stuff, maybe some lore and cryptids too.

So let me know in the comments below if there’s anything you’re curious about and I’ll see if I can answer your questions.

My new thing…

So recently I’ve developed a new hobby so to speak.

It’s an old hobby rich in tradition and history

It’s been becoming popular again after falling off the map for a bit, since it seemed to have fallen out of style for one reason of another.

This hobby has ages of books to sift through not to mention all the new blogs and forums devoted to it.

Need another hint?

One word.

Starts with a consonant.

Guess in the comments below 😉

Putting the D in Dysfunctional…

Buckle up folks, because this is going to be a bumpy af ride.

I want to give you an overview of the dysfunction I face in the day to day with my family.

So that when you see me post something off the wall, you understand that I am a product of my upbringing.

My parents are happily married. They are also functioning alcoholics.

My paternal grandparents are not happily married. My grandfather is an alcoholic and my grandmother is addicted to opioids, and most likely has Munchausen Syndrome since she has been in and out of the hospital for the last 15 years.

She is currently in the hospital now, following the death of my great aunt, her sister, in September, and has been since right before Christmas.

I have a cousin in jail for murder. He’s actually one of my better cousins. In his defense, it was a robbery that took a bad turn and he has served his time in jail and it really turned his life around. He used to work with training service dogs, until someone ruined that privileged in the prison.

I have a cousin with warrants out for her arrest for grand larceny. She is my grandmother’s favorite grandchild.

My uncle has been MIA for almost a decade now. After raising his daughter, the larceny cousin, he disappeared. Last we knew he was in the Seattle area. Last I knew, he was a bit of a creep, hanging out with people half his age and trying to date girls as old as his daughter (again half his age). his name is Jared, he has like 6 degrees and probably works in a lab of some kind. Kick him in the dick if you see him and tell him his niece sends her regards :).

My maternal uncle couldn’t keep his pen out of the company ink pot and basically ruined his kids’ lives with having to divorce his wife, my aunt (now removed, but we still like her), and then marry the bitch he was screwing. We do not like her. She is a literal bitch and my God-fearing, see-the-good-in-everyone maternal grandmother even called her a whore one time.

Now my uncle’s new wife is also why I have beef against vegetarians (ha, beef against vegetarians). Every family gathering, she shows up and drinks only from her own cup she brought, which we suspect is spiked, and she refuses to eat anything anyone else brought. She also claims to have this disease or that illness and then makes my cousins be little Cinderella’s and clean the house for her, instead of making her own grown ass kids help. The only time I ever saw her be social in the last 7 years was when I brought my best friend to Christmas dinner (my friend was stuck in town and couldn’t get down south to be with her own family for the holidays) and my uncle’s wife tried to get on her good side with compliments and such. It was the weirdest situation and my friend finally believes that this bitch is crazy. She also completely changed my cousin’s diets to suit her own and I think that’s not quite fair to children already going through a messy divorce. But she doesn’t care. She sits at home on her royal throne of the couch and bosses them away.

My great-grandmother stands at about 5 foot on a good day. And she has won more brawls than your ever will. My two favorite stories about her include how she got banned from a Target and how she whooped the Neighbor Lady.

The Target story goes like this; she was shopping at Target for some groceries, as you do. As she was waiting in line to checkout, a mom and her kid come in behind her. Now the kid starts messing with the cart and pushing into my great-grandma’s ankles. After about the third she turns and asks the boy stop. He continues. She turns back and asks the mom the tell her kid to stop. She does not and he continues. She finally turns back again and tell the mom to tell her little bastard child to quit ramming the cart into her. The mom starts getting froggy, and my great-grandma was having none of that. She knocked the lady out cold with one punch, took her purse and left. She showed up at my grandfather’s house and told them she had been there for the last two hours. They didn’t dare ask why.

Now the Neighbor Lady. This is a story. My great aunts (my grandma’s sisters) were both pregnant in high school. They used to have to walk to the bus stop from their house. Well, they always passed by this house where a mean lady would say nasty things to them, calling them whores and such. Now usually, my aunts could make it to the bus stop without incidence, but they are my blood and have a hard time keeping their mouths shut. So one day, as they were walking home from school, this lady starts up her shit again. My aunts start talking shit back to her, because they weren’t going to take that shit lying down. The lady comes off her porch and smacks one of my aunts. They of course go home and tell my great-grandmother, their mom, what happens. Now my great-grandma knew this lady was a bitch. She and the next door neighbor both knew. So she storms down there, cause someone just hit her child, and she beats the living shit out of this lady in her front yard. My great-grandma then walks home, goes to the next door neighbor’s house and tells her she’s been there the last two hours if anyone asks.

 

Well, that’s enough story time for today. Maybe I’ll dig up some more gems from my childhood to share with all of you.

 

Pop songs…

You know what really gets me going in the mornings?

Besides my three pots of coffee and the blood of my enemies.

Really girly pop songs.

No, seriously. This generation has come out with some of the best pop songs from girl groups and solo acts, all of which are finally yelling at little girls that they don’t need to be sexy and stuck up to be popular.

I love Fifth Harmony, and Taylor Swift, and Beyonce, and the amount of female rappers breaking into the industry warms my cold, shriveled heart.

I love that I can listen to the radio and not hear the same damn song preaching about how some girl just wants to fall in love and settle down with her dream boy ( I know early in Taylor Swift’s career she did this, but she has since evolved as an artist and has literally grown up). Now we have multiple ballads screaming how girls night out should stay girls night out, how the haters are just haters, how focusing on your ambitions will net you more than a man will.

I love a sappy romance song as much as the next gal, but when I get to hear those jams about working your ass off as a woman, I just want to cry tears of joy.

Because the industry is finally understanding. They finally get that their market is younger than preteens, that these girls are going to change the world and they need the right background music to do it (yes, the market is just in it to make a quick buck off this whole ‘woman power’ movement but we have to take our victories where we can).

No, this isn’t some feminist rant about how the music industry sucks for promoting XYZ artist or genre.

This is a declaration that I’m so happy these jams by educated women are available because growing up, I didn’t here anything as amazing as that. I had the same bullshit of party jam or breakup ballad. And now we have single lady party jams, we have hustle jams (not promoting side-hustles but damn is it nice to have a song or two promoting working hard), we have those jams about a lady shutting those dickwads down before they can even get close to her.

And if you don’t like this kind of music, that’s fine. I’m not trying to push you into something new and amazing and actually fun to dance to in your kitchen with your best friends while you make nachos at 3 in the morning after clubbing all night.

 

Patience…

I’m not going to lie; I am not patient at all.

Which has gotten me into a few pickles over the last few years.

Coupled with my incurable pride, I am an utter disaster. But I’m also a force to be reconned with.

Unfortunately, I feel like this makes me a bit of a hassle on my family as I completely disregard what they think I should be doing with my life. I didn’t think that living on my own and going to school when I can is something to frown upon, but the way my parents huff and sigh is astounding.

I rushed into college life straight out of high school while ignoring the price tag because I thought I could make it work. This led to me returning home and living with my parents for about a year and half to get back on my feet.

Then I went back to school, thinking I could make it work. But once again, I had to leave. But that brings us to where I am today (see, not some long, convoluted anecdote about how my life choices have been valuable lessons.). So I took a job in retail and that’s where I’ve been the last year or so trying to get back to where I wanted to be.

Now, what ifs plague me constantly. Like, what if I had stayed home with my parents instead of paying over $14K out of pocket for a semester of school just to leave? Or what if I had wasted a year at community college doing my extracurricular courses before transferring to  a four year school? What if I had stayed at my first job that I had when I was 16 and worked my way up in the company? Or what if I had been able to make it all work and was about to graduate?

I know you’re asking ‘what the hell is the point, woman? Are you going to give me some great life advice or something? Or are you selling a time-machine to go back and let us all redo our lives?’ I wish, friends.

I’m not going to give you any advice. Everyone gives advice about moving past your bad decisions. Like, just put it behind you and look forward. Or, everyday is an opportunity to do better. And my personal favorite, the only place to go when you hit bottom is up.

But I just wanted you all to know that I’m not perfect. I don’t want you all to think that I am, or that I know best about everything I write about. I just want you all to see a different perspective than what you’ve heard a million times over.

Why I’m doing this…

So I just want to clear the air. I’m not here to blog and make money off all you people on the internet. There’s enough of that going around. Would I like to make a little cash here and there from my blog? Hell yeah. But I’m not working to turn this into the ‘full-time career’ that every other blogger brags about.

Because that’s just not feasible. At all. How are these people able to quit their jobs as productive members of society just to sit around all day and rake in money from other hard-working people? I don’t want to quit my job to blog all day (I do want to quit because retail sucks ass, but because I want to blog all day).

I love working, and I know that some things just can’t be accomplished yet with technology, like stocking shelves or mopping floors (okay, I know rumbas are a thing, but those aren’t good for commercial places yet). I don’t want to sit back and let the cash roll in.

I’m blogging just to get some of what I think out into the great internet void. Because you can only complain so much to the people you know. And it’s fun to watch people to get all pissy because I’m throwing their lying asses under the bus for trying to mislead regular people into thinking that all their problems can be solved with a simple blog post and some affiliate links.

So don’t think I’m doing this just to get money from you or to live off the system and money made from other people’s generosity. I’m just here to scream into the void.

Problems with authority…

So, I have a little problem with authority.

Just a little one.

I really can’t stand it when someone tries to tell how to live my life. I don’t get how some people just accept the little demands and orders throughout the day.

I literally cut 3 inches of my hair off after my boyfriend jokingly told me I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair cause he liked it longer.

I stayed out all night because my parents tried to tell me, at 19 (a young adult who worked full-time and paid my bills), that I couldn’t stay out all night on a Friday night.

I got a tattoo because my grandmother hates them.

I refuse to get married because that’s what everyone in my family expects of me.

I have literally lived my life looking people dead in the eyes and doing the exact thing they just told me not to. Why should I have to listen to your rules when you don’t apply them to yourselves?

Why tie yourself to someone else’s expectations? Nothing is holding you back except your opinion of someone else. Who cares what your mom expects or your boss or your sister or you spouse or your mentor? You have to set your own deadlines and goals and expectations and tell them to fuck off.

The only person you share your headspace with is you. Don’t disappoint you. Disappoint everyone else because they put you on a pedestal. But don’t disappoint yourself.

 

Side ho…

Being the side ho in a relationship is rough.

Especially when your boyfriend is basically married to his jeep.

You know this kind of guy; his car gets more parts with each paycheck, he washes it every weekend (complete with waxing and full interior detailing), he kisses it goodnight, one funny sound and he’ll spend the next 24 hours worrying about it like his car is going to die… You know these guys.

But nobody talks about the side ho; the wives and girlfriends who put up with this nonsense. Who watch their men sitting in the driveway with their cars watching the sunset. Who have to plan their weekends around the car shows and races and ‘tune-ups’ (i call it that because nothing is getting tuned, it’s just the activity of a man standing in his driveway for 4 hours fiddling with parts on his car for no reason).

And then your man looks at you like you’re the crazy one when you say that this new car is alright, or when you only shrug about going to the racetrack this weekend.

I love my man, I really do, but I did not think I was getting into a polygamous relationship that involved a car.

And jeep guys are some of the worst ones out there.

I don’t know what it is about them, but dear god once a man gets bitten by the Mopar bug, he will drop your ass faster than slow wifi just to spend time with his jeep.

At least he’s not clingy.

Weddings…

Weddings are absolutely pointless in this day and age.

Maybe back in the day it was just an excuse to get the whole village together and party, but today?

I can go down to the court house with my chosen spouse and sign a marriage license. I could be married by lunch today if I had a consenting partner.

Yet this “traditional” way of celebrating a civil partnership by dropping thousands and thousands of dollars on a one-time event where the couple force their friends and families to jump through outrageous hoops (you’ve seen those bridezilla stories) just to show up to eat some food and get drunk in fancy clothing.

And that’s not even taking into account the couples where the families are ultra-controlling and try to make a dream wedding by their standards instead of what the couple wants.

Knowing exactly how my family will act if I ever decide to ‘settle down’, I’m eloping. Then my grandmother can’t criticize my dress, my parents can’t lament the bill they won’t even be paying, my spouse’s parents won’t have to gripe about the wedding theme/colors, and I won’t have to listen to my friends bitch and moan about how I didn’t pick them for my bridal party.

Of course, this doesn’t mean I haven’t picked out my wedding dress. You can’t elope without looking the part.

Only so many hours…

So there are only 24 hours in a day.

And as student, that means if you’re taking a full course load, you spend every minute of minute day studying and learning and paving the way for your future.

As a full-time worker, that means that 70% of your day is devoted to working and maintaining a house.

As both, that means you literally have no time for anything else in the world besides studying and working. No time for eating or sleeping or friends or family. And everyone and their mother say they work full-time and take full-course loads but they’re lying.

There is not enough time in the day to work 9 hours plus the approximate (read: low-end estimate) 1 hours both way commute, then adding the maybe 4 hours of on campus classes, plus the resulting hour of homework and an hour of studying for each class (let’s say 4 classes) that’s a total of 22 hours of your day. Every day.

Sure courses can differ on days and employers can be flexible with your work days but I did this. I was taking 5 classes and working 36 hours a week. It’s not sustainable, and I was even breaking even every month.

So, in short, I’m sick and tired of people saying they’ve done this and that and been where I’ve been. Cause you haven’t. You haven’t done shit like me.

My hopes and dreams…

  1. To never have to work retail again
  2. To own 5 dogs, big fluffy ones
  3. To live in the woods, in a cozy little cabins
  4. To have a room where 2 walls have floor to ceiling windows and the other two have floor to ceiling bookshelves. Full of books. Duh.
  5. To punch a Nazi in the face
  6. To never have to get up before sunrise to go to a shitty deadend job
  7. To brawl in a Waffle House parking lot once before I die

Who I am…

For those of you who want to know a little about me, I figured I would write down some basics for all of you out there to imagine about me while you think of your dream girl as you lie in bed, waiting to fall asleep.

I love dogs. A lot. More than people. I would kill a man just to pet a dog.

I love coffee. I once threatened an ex who wanted to go camping with me. I told him that I would castrate him if he spoke to me before I had coffee. I was not joking. He thought I was.

I am not here to make money. I am here to vent all my bullshit in a way that won’t ruin my personal relationships.

I am a great cook.

I make the best jokes. Will I ever tell them? Probably not. But they’re pretty damn good.

I am utterly bitter and horrible. Like a cup of black coffee, but while you may think it’s still warm enough to drink its actually room temperature and leaves a bad taste in your mouth because you were expecting hot and delicious not cold and disappointing.

In summary, I am cold, bitter, and disappointing. However, some people like this.